What's wrong with me.

I am so disgusted with my performance in school. i just came to realize how lame i am this past few months and it seems that i never exerted efforts in everything i do. What is the matter with me?. :l that i do not know. Maybe, i was tired -- i am always in any way tired. Maybe i was lazy -- i am by birth a lazy beast. Maybe i lack inspiration -- i am always surrounded with people who loves me. Now, i don't really fcuking know why.
I was moved by my conscience, i should've graduated a year ago, by now i should've got myself a job, earning income somehow. But what am i doing?. instead of studying my ass off, i seemed to be as calm as the ocean. am i not thinking of my father who works hard to pay school bills?. am i not thinking of how time has left far behind?. am i not thinking of the people who will soon be needing of my aid when i succeed?. Just as this thoughts continually storms in my mind i came to realize-- i lack motivation and it needs to be fixed as soon as possible.

i am so pissed i could kill a beast

I slept late last night, 1am to be exact. I was making my niece's project despite the fact that i have also lots of projects to be done. I didn't get enough rest because i have to wake up early, early as 6am, school starts at 730am. So my day started weary, i lack sleep and when i arrived at our meeting place--he came late. okay, so I've waited 30mins for him to arrive and i was standing amidst cars and students passing by. Sad fact, i cannot get angry, it'll go to nowhere and only heat things up. Strike 2 this time.
We ran and hurried to school and hurray! 15mins late but guess what--teacher is not around. Strike 3. After the first subject, which is the laboratory, lecture comes and all we did was to check the test papers. Talk about bullshit, my scores are so low -- my answers got messed up. Strike 4 now. i cheered myself up, trying to think positively and aim higher this coming final exam. Lunch time came, i was so hungry that my appetite could eat a whole buffet but we ate at a crappy restaurant or was that even a restaurant?. i was completely unsatisfied by what we have taken. Strike 5.
The next subject is a hands on exam, so i studied hard pumped up with my failure with the earlier subject like i need to revenge with a higher grade. Despite my labors, when the exam took place, i got scolded by the teacher because of her misinterpretation of me cheating. She needed to shout my name in the whole class and scream out loud the minus points. now that's simply fucked up. Strike 6 baby. Happy now?.
Finally the last subject, where i crammed of studying because we also have a long quiz. it's impossible to focus when i took the quiz, my day was just so fucking perfect. there i got only 31 out of 40. i could've made it perfect how lame. Strike 7 for me. I went home feeling so shit, that i almost stumbled at the school stairs, got wet by the flood, hungry but nothing suited my appetite, need to sleep but don't have enough time. Time is so little when catching up deadlines. Great! my day went so brutally great! This day is a perfect definition of a fucked up day.

ten-ten-ten

It's a Sunday afternoon, i got lot of things to do but i don't even know where to start. I need to wash my uniform for tomorrow but there's no water. I need to study but I'm too lazy to do it. I need a project to be done, but i can't find an installer for it. My mind is clouded by my thoughts, my worries and my fcuked up plans.
The house is noisy, i locked my room to lessen the noise but there's no helping it. I'm so annoyed. Sometimes, i dreamt of escaping my life. or do something life changing, anything would do except getting pregnant that's not in the plan..:l like going to another place and never coming back. quit studying. live alone. have an asstastic work. the world is gigantic, i dont fcuking know why i am here stuck in my room with lots of problems to be solved.